20 Years and Counting

I close my eyes and I try to remember you. I try to recall your voice, your face, your smile. It seems like I'm the only one who tries to relive you. I promised myself I will not forget.

You liked your hair short and you liked being in control. You were sharp for your age. You had two large front teeth. I annoyed the hell out of you.

How I wish I could annoy you now. Oh, I know you would've hated all my decisions in life. You were always so direct and strong, you knew what you wanted even at a young age. You always did the right things.

But the memories, they're not very clear anymore. It's static inside my brain. I've suffered since you left. It's been a long time but I'm still suffering. I kept digging the scars because it's all I have left of you. It's my way of reaching out to the past. And when I bleed, I feel a part of you with me.

I remember that day, not as clear as before, but I remember it. I remember how blissful it was. I remember the laughter, the adventure we were about to face.

I've long dreamed of having time travel abilities. Man, what I would give to go back and hug you, and save you. I still blame myself up to this day. Actually, I feel like I don't blame myself enough. I helped you get on that bicycle. I think I even helped you find it. And when you got hit by that car, I just screamed so loud and I did nothing. I should've come near you but everything seemed to be erased out of my memory from that point. When I try to go back to the thoughts I had after you were hit by that car, I don't see anything, I don't rember anything. It's black and it's blank. Maybe it's my head, trying to save myself from the horrors of that day.

The next thing I remember was being across the street, in the house where we were staying. I was comforted by a relative. She told me that you'll be alright and you'll survive, but you didn't. I believed her but still, you died.

They told me about what happened when you were rushed to the hospital. It was a story told so many times that I see myself there. There's a clear picture in my head of what occured. They said you were crying and pointing to your head. They said you said it hurts. The memories just fast-forwarded. In my head, I see you in the coffin, all swollen up and gray. I remember when we were in the morgue. You were lying at a bench or a day bed, I was beside you and you were so cold. You were cold and lifeless but I stayed beside you.

During the wake, I remember getting a fever though I knew I wasn't sick. I was traumatized. I couldn't keep up with what was happening. I was a seven year old kid who just witnessed her sister die in front of her. I've been sick since then. I never had the trauma treated.

Dear ate,

I was supposed to go to the doctor this week but I didn't. I was afraid of her looking through me. I didn't wanna feel naked in front of her. I don't want anything from anyone. Since you left, that's all it has been. I ran around in circles for years and I still do that until now. Did I waste 20 years of my life? I'm sorry. I know you wanted to live and maybe you deserve breathing and living more than I do, but it's me who's here. Sadly, it's me and not you. It should be you.

I miss you.

Love,

Z